Four Up! Four Down¡ Week 1
Source IFL News Network
By Colin Talvitie
November 12, 2014
Cheers, mates! Like last year, the IFL season started while I was on hiatus so I've got some catchup work to do. You'd think I'd rate high enough by now for the league to schedule itself around me. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong. Bloody unappreciative wankers!
For those of you new to the league, here's a quick reminder of how this works. Each week, I'll highlight 4 of the best performances (Four Up!) and four of the worst (Four Down¡). And given how only 12.5% of the "brawlers" in this league have positive PDPBs after the first two weeks (that's 6 of 48 for the mathematically challenged), it looks like I'm going to spend a lot of hours sorting out the Down¡
For now, put on your comfy trousers and travel back in time to Week 1 where upstart new teams showed their mettle and where Captain Futility wrote yet another chapter in Team Fist's Annals of Unglory.
Colin Talvitie
Staff Writer
Four Up!
Jenai Ravenlock (Royal Pain, 6-5 Iron Fist win in 11) -- Jenai squared off against Claire Farron in the first bout of Season 4 which yielded the first upset of the season. Or was it really that much of an upset? Last year, Claire captained a team where nobody had a winning record, 3 duelers didn't record a single bout win and still managed not to be the worst team in the league. She personally dueled her way into a 2-4, 2.67 PDPB regular season record.
Colin's Life Lesson #1: Claire leading by example isn't going to help her team.
Colin's Life Lesson #2: Don't repeat last season's mistakes.
Colin's Life Lesson #3: Don't overlook the competition.
All that being said, Claire losing this bout was absolute rubbish. Interestingly, she's apparently taking Life Lesson #2 to heart and has decided to forego stepping into the ring herself. Instead, she's sending in some magical creature to do her bidding. Different approach...same result.
Despite being outclassed in rank and experience, first-time IFL dueler Jenai Ravenlock stepped into the ring across from Claire's proxy and gave as good as she got. Jenai held a brief lead (round 6) and didn't lead again until the duel ended in the 11th. A hearty tip of the hat to Jenai for dragging Team Dirty further into their own filth.
Zack Alcar (Team Dirty, 5-1 Crutch win in 7) -- It seems unlikely that Mr. Alcar, who went 1-4, -3.00 PDPB in Season 3, was the only reason his team didn't suffer a match sweep loss. This bout was the 2nd of the overall match and Zack's convincing victory actually made it look like his team had a shot to win the week. Then the others dueled and Zack's fifteen minutes of fame were over. Keep putting in the tape of this bout, kid...it may be the only glory day you have.
Blondie Eastwood (The Rock Hards, 5-0 Iron Fist win in 8) -- When I saw this result, I laughed so hard that I cried real tears. In fact, I'm just about doing it again right now. As if anyone needed more evidence as to why Captain Futility is the worst captain to ever head a dueling team, we get this gem.
Let's remember that by some rubbish miracle, Team Fist actually made the IFL Finals in Season 3. How is that even possible?! you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It certainly wasn't Captain Futility and his 0-3, -5.33 Season 3 record. No. Blondie Eastwood and his 4-1, 4.20 PDPB regular season record had a lot to do with Team Fist's success last season.
But why stick with a good thing?
Apparently, positive stats meant little to Captain Futility's age-addled brain which perhaps focused on Blondie's 0-2 playoff record. Resulting decision: Blondie kicked to the curb.
Bollocks choice if you ask me, made even worse by Captain Futility's plucking of Gren Blockman (3-1, 0.40 PDPB in Season 3) from the Badside Brawlers and pitting him against Blondie in the Iron Fist opener. Fate, of course, reared its beautiful head as Blondie shook off Team Fist's Shroud of Failure and promptly annihilated his replacement with a shutout.
Juliane Smith (The Rock Hards, 5-2 Anchor win in 6) -- After watching teammates Minam Go nearly upset Kheldar Drasinia in Sudden Death & Blondie Eastwood plow through Gren Blockman on the way to a shutout, Juliane proved once again why nobody should look upon the lower bouts as throwaways. Had she lost this bout scoring the maximum 4 points, Captain Futility & Friends would have won the week. But she didn't lose and instead trounced Darik Warchild to just about guarantee her team's victory with one bout remaining in the match.
Colin's Life Lesson #4: Every. Point. Matters.
Four Down¡
Gren Blockman (Team Fist, 0-5 Iron Fist loss in 8) -- Gren's probably cursing Jake Thrash for disbanding the Badside Brawlers and flogging himself for deciding to join Team Fist.
Colin's Life Lesson #5: Worst decision you ever made, Gren. Bet an eternity with Tara seems pretty good in comparison, doesn't it?
Harris D'Artianian (Top Flight, 16-28 match loss) -- Claire should be here as well but I spent far too much time on her already. Top Flight, sporting 3 Powerhouses and 3 Heavyweights, should by all rights have steamrolled the Discombobulators who are captained by some sort of mutanty octocat that sports a top-hat. The thing scares the hell out of me, and I thought nothing would outdo the fright I felt whenever I looked at the blue-bearded she-dwarf, Kaylin Uderhart Rumblegutter.
Long story short, Harris can do little wrong, at least as far as ranks go, no matter who he fields each week.
Colin's Life Lesson #6: Doesn't matter much.
Facing a team of 3 Trainees, 3 Flyweights and 1 Middleweight, Harris sat on the bench and watched Jin, Vanion and Bane score a total of 8 points between them. Memo to Harris: Spend less time in the radio booth & more in the rings. You'll thank me later.
Sylus Kurgen (Team Hydra, 2-5 Iron Fist loss in 8) -- Similar to Captain Farron, Captain Kurgen stuck himself in the Iron Fist bout and promptly lost to a first-time IFL dueler. Not only that, he went down 0-4 after 5 rounds. The only positive? Sylus avoided the shutout. Bet the team sponsors are thrilled over that one. Whee. I can feel the wow factor from here.
Melanie Rostol (Asian Invasion, 4-5 Crutch loss in 13) -- But Colin!, you say. Colin! Melanie only lost by a point, and in Sudden Death, and YOU ARE SO UNFAIR COLIN THERE WERE DUELERS WITH WORSE LOSSES YOU MEANIEHEAD!!
Colin's Life Lesson #7: All of that is true.
Doesn't change the fact that Melanie deserves this spot. For those of you keeping track at home (which I am), this marks Melanie's 5th loss in a row. This means that of the 131 duelers who've graced the IFL rings thus far including Beta, playoffs and Kiowa Belt tournaments, Melanie joins the stellar ranks of:
Anubis Karos
Caedia Thorn
Erin Dunbridge deVernon
Gaius of the Casii
Jewell Ravenlock
PJ Ramirez
Samantha Wells...
Tarl Cabot
Tasslehofl Momus
Wyheree Ravenlock Black
...and worst of all, CAPTAIN FUTILITY (who, by the way, is tied for the record for most consecutive losses at 6 along with Tarl -- coincidence both are from Team Fist? Absolutely not.)
Congratulations, Melanie. You've nearly dueled your way down to Captain Futility's level.
Colin's Life Lesson #8: Omit that little tidbit from the old dueling resume.
Get it? Got it? Good.
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