Spotlight on...Team Dirty
by G'nort Dragoon-Talanador
November 24, 2013
It's time for a Spotlight on...
Team Dirty
Before I get to Team Dirty, I need to point out that in last week's article, in the duelist stats, I totally and accidentally left out the "Sex" stat for Corlanthis. I guess this shows that he can't even get sex when it's someone else talking about him. Okay, enough about Cor and his questionable sexuality, let's talk about something infinitely more interesting! Like Claire and her band of pervs! Or rather, Claire and her band with a couple pervs in it. Some of them are fairly decent folk, but some just make me need something out of the abrasives division so I can scrub my eyes clean.
So far, they're placing exactly where I thought they would. That's both good and bad. Good, because I am right, and everyone needs to know that, but bad because they seem to be having trouble getting over that hump. Now, their first team win came against a good team in Top Flight, and they won it because Claire and rookie Juliane destroyed Vince and Melanie. If either together or combined, those two scored two more points, then the win would have gone to TOP. So, Great job Claire and Julie for holding them off the scoreboard! A 2-2 win is better than a 3-1 loss. W's count and winning against one of the tougher teams says something about you.
Of course, the downside is that you also only have one other duel win, an overtime bout from Khoom -vs- Morgan (He is a boy!) from Team Asian Invasion. That's a rough start to your IFL season guys, and it's only going be just as difficult in weeks four and five before you get some easier matches. Claire, from a stellar captain to a newer captain, let me advise you a little bit. Don't keep alternating your duelists around in all the spots. I get you may want to give everyone a fair shot at the Iron Fist match, but if that's what you're doing, that mentality will doom your team. Find your strong points, place them where they will best serve the team, and don't switch it around too much. I mean, be aware that people are going to say "Oh, well if Claire wins all the time, of course she'll be in the Iron Fist match." Well, if that's the case, plan ahead and trick them! Strategy! That wins battles! CONSTANT VIGILANCE! Hmm, I wonder if I should give captaining classes.
Yeah, okay. That said, let's look at them, shall we?
Claire Farron.
Age: Forever 21. Race: Cutie. Height: Appreciated. Weight: I hate this question. Sex: She's dating someone, I only know because I recall getting glared at for flirting with her. I'm used to it.
Claire Farron. I look at you and I think something that's not fit for print. Well, it is, but I don't think it's proper, I might get glared at again. Of all the duelists on this team, Claire, I feel safe to say, shows the most promise. I've fought her in swords a few times, and when I first did she was easier than a Red Dragon Inn Free Prostitute on a Saturday Night. The last couple times I fought her, she was infinitely tougher and I do believe I lost those matches. What do swords matches have to do with unarmed? Nothing. Unless you're paying attention. Improvement in any sport indicates both a desire to succeed, willingness to learn, and ability to adapt. What applies in one sport applies to another. She's a Ruby and that means she's working her way up. I am going on record as saying this is a good thing. Claire is, all my flirting and bravado aside, a rising star. She'll be taking her captaining licks right now, because the team does suck currently, but she's also learning how to do organized team sports for the first time as well. This isn't Hydra where you just throw a team together and say "Go Duel." This is something a lot more challenging. Give her the time, and she may surprise you. Claire bear, consider this season a learning season. Both in dueling for a league, and captaining in one. Don't give up.
Khoom Helston
Age: Sleazy. Race: Furry. Height: Stalkery. Sex: I honestly would rather not think about it.
I'm hard on Khoom cause he legitimately creeps me out. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against animal/humanoid hybrids. I've gone through my inter-species sexual experiences phase a while back and there's two things I've learned about it. 1. Some of those types get really, really freaky, and 2. When they're shedding, you'll be pulling fur out of the strangest places long, long, long after you called animal control services on them. I look at Khoom and I see a blue guy who probably marks his territory in the way most cats do. I half think we need a game show called "The Price is Right" just so we can support Khoom being both spayed and neutered. Both, just to be sure, you know? Anyway...I am sure Khoom has a wonderful personality, but it's his dueling we need to worry about. Did you know he was a Sapphire once? And then dropped to Jade in like a week? That tells me one important thing about Khoom. He's a streaky duelist. Must come from a lot of streaking. Look it up. It does, also, mean that he does know what he's doing. He just desperately needs the right matches. Good luck, Kitty!
Gothrak
Age: Umm. Race: Says Demon does that mean Jamaican because he's 'De Mon'? Height: Tall Grass. Weight: 15 Stone. Sex: Nobody knows. So I'm going with no.
Okay, so my lengthy discussions on Dirty's duelists ends here because I know next to nothing about this fellow. Sure, he went from Glass to Ruby in his second week, but it ended there. Now he's a Jade and 0-3 in IFL duels. Don't look now, Claire, but I think you have a weak link here. Goth clearly has the energy and motivation to fight, just not the skill. Get him some practice! Give him some time! Give him some time to practice! Wheaties! Yes! Yes! No! Yes! No! Peppers!
Jewell Ravenlock
Age: MILF. Race: Blue. Height: I'll crouch low for motor-boating. Weight: She reads this, does she like me? Sex: Again, MILF.
Back to lengthy! Ever notice that Jewell has two "L's" in her name? What's the story with that? G'nortt. Kall. Mercii. Antidisestablishmentarianismm. I don't know, is it one of those fancy, unique names? Slapping an extra letter on something doesn't make it fancy, just telling you. I like Jewell of the extra consonants, I do. She's fun, thrifty, and cute. One of these days she may even decide to learn how to fight without worrying about cracking a nail. Jewell, my sweet, delicate rose, cracking a nail pales in comparison when you're cracking some guy's skull. The satisfaction upon your face as you crack your nail slugging me...I mean...an opponent in the jaw and watching as he falls to the ground and cracking his head on the floor is an experience I don't hesitate to recommend. You're getting there, sweetie! Your last match was 5-4, and was a great improvement over your opening match and against tough opponents. You're going to get that closer soon, I know it! Plus, you had a winning career up till now. I think the hiatus hit you pretty hard. That and being temporarily dead. That does tend to put a damper in your training time. Oh well. Back in the saddle, my dear! Bareback! And again, MILF.
Juliane Smith
Age: Nine thousand, three hundred and forty seven. Race: Plain Jane. Height: The usual. Weight: Bleu Cheese. Sex: There's a slight chance that she does. Being in Rhydin, I'll say often.
It's always difficult to talk about the newer types who haven't done anything, or made themselves very well known. I can't really be mean, and I can't really be nice. On the flip side, I haven't been very nice to the others, and that's a good thing because it's interesting. It's hard because I have nothing to talk about with these new people. For example, Juli's fought two duels in the league thus far: A 5-1 debuting domination of the loud, obnoxious braggart, Melanie Rostol, in an anchor match; and an okay 5-3 loss to resident tree hugger Gren Brockman, again in an anchor match. Well, there's worse things I could say about Juliane, but she's doing okay. She's okay. Her fighting is okay. Her record is okay. Overall, she's okay. Here's a picture of a kitten. >^.^<
Rand al'Tan
Age: Don't be fooled, he's older than Matt. Race: Man Whore. Height: Mediocre. Weight: Greasy. Sex: Married to Morgan le Fay, yet appears to try to get into the pants of every other woman. I'd call that denial.
When I brought up Rand in my first article, I was told that Rand was one of the first fighters in the Outback. Hey, that's great! He probably sucked back then, too! I could have been one of the first ever fighters in the Outback and I would have sucked. So, I'm not impressed by longevity. I'm impressed by results. Haven't seen any results. Unless you count getting women to blush. Then he gets results, though I don't know why. Has he even been an Emerald? Here's his IFL record. 0-1. A 5-3 loss to Harris. Here's where I will say some good about Rand after all that other stuff. First, losing to Harris is not a bad thing, because you've seen what I wrote about Harris. Second, getting those three points in the final duel against TOP clinched the win for DRT's first ever IFL win. It got the job done, so that's a victory. Third...umm...well...okay, there's no third. But, a win in a loss is good, right? I think I'd take that. Fight more, Rand!
Zack Alcar
Age: Young'un. Race: Druman. Height: Taller than me, but still shorter. Weight: Condensed Mist. Sex: Is he dating Claire? Is that why she's so frustrated?.
I like Zack. Wait, no I don't. Actually, I don't think I really know him enough to say whether or not I like him. I might have met him once. Maybe twice. Quite possibly I dueled him. I don't know if this means he made any kind of impression on me, but judging from my lack of knowledge of him, I'm probably going to go with him not making an impression on me. But then, maybe he did and I just don't remember. Age, guys. With age, memory is one of the first things to go. I need repetition in order to remember things. But then, this isn't about me, this is about Zack. Zack attack. I like his motto on his card. "If you want to be a hero, you need to have dreams and honor. Embrace your dreams, and whatever happens protect your honor." Excuse me, I threw up a little in my mouth. To be a hero, you really just gotta be in the right place at the right time and rescue a damsel in distress. As long as you didn't set that up, you're a hero. Why are we talking about this? What does it have to do with fighting? Have you noticed this is the longest I've gone on about anyone? I'm guessing I do like him. Totally sucks as a fighter though. Buck up, young man, that first win will come one of these days! While I'm still young, please!
Closing
Okay fans, that's my Spotlight on Team Dirty. There's really not much to go on with this team because they're new and inexperienced. I, however, have faith in Claire and a belief that she will come to great things. I can't say much about the team she built because there's a lot of unknowns in there and probably some apathy. I think the bulk of the passion comes from Claire and Zack; Jewell's in it for fun; Rand and Khoom are in it for the women; Juli and Goth are too new to tell if they even care about it. I hope there's a season next year because I would really like to see Dirty in it. While this season needs to be considered a learning experience, I want Claire to scout some duelists for next season and get what duelists she wants to keep some practice for the rest of this year so they can improve upon their performance in this one. Build your team, Captain Claire. Build and practice strategy! You can do it! And good luck in the playoffs!
Until next week, See you then!
Next week's team: Badside Brawlers.
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