Too Blue: Madness Edition--Round 6: The Finals!|
by Jewell Ravenlock
April 27, 2017
[Transcript from Too Blue: Madness Edition (Round 6) 27.04.2017 10:00]
Jewell: What's up, RhyDin? This is your Empress Overlady May Queen of 2017 here to bring you the news about this year's Madness Finals, which are apparently being fought tonight at midnight!
Sapphire: And, due to popular demand and an overwhelming number of fan letters, we are also bringing you Drunk Broadcasting once again! You all apparently think we're a lot funnier when we're drinking in the studio--
Jewell: Because we are!
Sapphire: It's true. We are. So we have a few cases of Badsider here with us today in addition to... [drum roll sound effect]
Jewell: The king of Badsider himself, the originator of that delicious drink, and my very first (and absolute favorite) Duel of Fists mentor: Jake Thrash!
[cheering sound effect]
Jake Thrash: Thanks for invitin' me. So, how do we do this?
Sapphire: [giggling] We drink ale and sometimes we order pizza.
Jake: That sounds easy enough!
Jewell: And press the sound buttons. [warning siren sound effect] Ugh. Except not that one. Oh! And we talk about Madness. Apparently, we're down to the final two fighters and one of them isn't me. Way to go Madness 2017! Disappointing everyone.
Sapphire: Not everyone. Just you. And maybe all those people we told to bet on you winning the tournament and then you lost... again and they lost all their money [laughing]. Did you bet on Jewell, Jake?
Jake: Of course I did. You were supposed to win me money!
Jewell: And you were supposed to make sure Xanth had an accident so I could win you that money, but that didn't happen either, did it?
Jake: You ever tried sneakin' up on him? He's wily.
Sapphire: Whoah! [EXPLETIVE DELETED] just got real! What were you gonna do Jake, break his legs? Does Xanth even have legs?
Jewell: MOVING ON! Let's talk about these finals. We've got Crunchem, seeded at number six, versus Myria Graziano, seeded at number five.
Sapphire: Wait, what!? Ellisa didn't make it through to the finals?
Jake: Ellisa got owned pretty hard by Myria. She owned Dimitrii the week before too. I was gonna say that this was a fight between some unknown ogre, and the last member of a faded memory of a team, but Myria refuses to let that memory die.
Sapphire: I blame Jewell. She won't give that memory its death blow because she predicted that Myria was going to win.
Jewell: Yes I did. AND I WAS RIGHT! GO MYRIA! WRECKING CREW FOREVER! [microphone feedback] Oops! [quieter] Go Myria!
Sapphire: Yeah, way to go Myria! [unenthusiastic] Wooo, we've now got the lamest finals ever. [balloon deflating sound effect] Jake was too nice. All we have is the sad remnants of the Wrecking Crew versus some random ogre someone dragged from the woods, equipped with a tree stripped of all its branches, and set loose in the Arena. Thank Nature you've all got us here to tell you who to cheer for and who these people actually are because I'm pretty sure most of RhyDin is scratching their heads, wondering, "There's another Graziano chick aside from Maria?" And, "I thought we hunted ogres on holiday not let them compete in our sporting events?"
Jake: Hunting ogres is like hunting boar. Except way more suicidal.
Sapphire: Soooo we should get Myria a boar spear? Or do you mean that we should give her up for dead because Crunchem is going to kill her tonight?
Jewell: I think we should buy her a boar spear when we're done here. Put a bow on it.
Sapphire: Even if we do, do you think Myria really stands a chance? I mean, she does have the higher seeding but she's facing an ogre. How good is this chick?
Jake: Other than her obsession with keepin' a dead franchise alive, Crew's members have always had a rep as players. Three Crew have now made it into the Madness Finals, and Maria won it in 2010. Still...Myria was too young to have been part of the Wrecking Crew during its heyday in TDL days, and hasn't exactly burned it up in the Arena...she's held Seaside, but I think that's it. So, maybe she feels she's got somethin' to prove to her forebears. She's gonna have spirit goin' into this. She wants it.
Sapphire: Wanting it is nice and all, and she did beat my Madness favorite and number one seed Ellisa, but she's still fighting a giant ogre!
Jewell: An ogre who beat a dragon! [sighs] So sad I missed that fight.
Jake: Beat a dragon twice. He did it last year in Madness too. If Ellisa had won, that would have made for an interestin' rematch. She and the ogre fought last year too. She was the one that sent him home.
Jewell: Twice!? I missed it both times? Where was I?
Sapphire: Probably crying in your room.
Jewell: Shush. Okay, so Crunchem beat a dragon twice and is lucky he avoided Ellisa this year because she has some super secret ogre-slaying capabilities, but what else? I think I remember him back from IFL too? And I fought him and the other one in one of Harris's apple tournaments that time.
Jake: He was on Anubis' Great of Strength team in IFL, and fought once in TDL. Nothing special about his record. I think he and Munchem are too easily distracted by food to actually be competitive. No idea how he's stayed focused this year. Maybe someone promised him a herd of sheep or something if he did well.
Sapphire: Okay, so the plan is, if you're a Crunchem fan, promise him more food to win. If you're a Myria fan... uh, distract him with food?
Jewell: Sounds about right. Either way, I think Crunchem is going to win.
Sapphire: Uh... no! I was going to side with Crunchem. You get Myria cause you chose her last week.
Jewell: Fine. I get Myria. [Pause] Wait, who does Jake get then? JAKE! Who do you think is going to win?
Jake: Me? Uh...I think Myria is the one with the experience to win this. But, I think there are union rules that forbid me from rootin' against the ogre.
Sapphire: You heard it hear first, people. Jewell and Jake are cheering for Myria, but not against the ogre, while I am Team Crunchem!
Jewell: I feel like that's not what we just said...
Sapphire: [talking over Jewell] And when we come back from commercial break, Jake is going to enthrall us with stories about the ogre union to round out our last Too Blue: Madness Edition episode in grand style [yawn sound effect] and I'm going to have another Badsider.
Jake: More ale! Always a good plan!
Jewell: And we might make predictions for yet another Overlord challenge against me! Who do these people think they are, anyway?
Sapphire: And maybe we'll talk about the When Legends Collide challenge too? You know, the one taking place in the geriatrics ward of RhyDin General?
Jewell: I can't believe you just said that [laughing]
Sapphire: I know. I'm awesome. Stay tuned, RhyDin!
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